[Procyona]

For instance, you go to have a lunch at a place you usually go to, and the dish you order tastes like rubbich. When someone asks your opinion about it, what would you say?

Sometimes people are too nice to a person who does something they do not like, but do not tell it, or instead even lie that they like it. It's different thing to stay optimistic, and say that they have a long way to go, than to complain about it. But - when you say it's alright, you are not giving them even a change to be better next time, because they do not know you had that opinion. What do you think?   

[Haveunique]

Interesting topic and interesting way to present it, Milla! Why did you decide to raise this question? Thank you.

There are different ways to say the truth and that alone seems to need courage from people... for fear of being disliked for their truth. Saint-Exupery said it brilliantly in his "Prayer" - "Send me in the right time a person who would tell me the truth but say it lovingly".   

[Victor]

Good question for everyone.
I think you should say the person what he/she is doing wrong. Do it without anger, like a teacher. Maybe you should show the way to exclude mistakes the next time.
'Cause if you are telling the person that you "really like the dish", but in fact you don't, you are lying to yourself. Sifu said: "Never lie to yourself! Self-deception is the worst thing you can do."   

[Gra-ach]

This is a tough question! I'm all in for constructive criticism - when nobody tells me that I'm doing something wrong, I assume tha I do it right and I see no reason to change the way I go about things.

I had a great example of such situation. I'm learning how to drive and my instructor and I were driving around the block. And at some point he got a call and started talking. And while he was talking I did one full circle. When he hung up he looked at me as if I'd grown a new head and asked why was I driving poorly? It was said without any explanation as to the reason he said that. And only when I asked him what's wrong, he told me that I should have slowed down in some parts of the track and so on. But he could have told me this while I was driving those parts, and not afterwards! Anyways, when he says nothing on how to do things and assume that I know them from somewhere, I don't learn, because I can't read his mind And if he was saying that I'm doing good (when I'm obviously not doing so great), I wouldn't learn anything and what's worse I would have thought that I've learnt this skill and we should continue to something else.

And it's the same in any field I think - if you're not an expert but a novice, you need to get guidance and criticism to get better and to evolve. But this criticism sholdn't be something like "you're doing it wrong" and that's it. If I don't know the reason why I'm doing it wrong there's no way I'm going to do it right next time, unless by chance.   

[Haveunique]

The best teachers I've had manage to keep amazing balance between what they teach and how much space they give me to learn things on my own. However, it always boils down to my desire to learn - with things I am genuinely interested in, I spend a lot more time learning them on my own and then come to my teacher with new results, and we both see how things are moving on. Those same teachers also manage to give criticism depending on their attitude and personality. Some are always very polite and caring, some can show their care in emotional way or sometimes even quite harsh criticism, but again - it all matters to me the way I perceive it... If I like what I am doing, there is a bigger chance I will find a way to get along with my teacher, and it becomes a lot easier to take even criticism that may sound rough for me.

Did you try talking to your driving instructor, Ira? Maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing   

[Procyona]

Tetyana, I do not remember what I had in mind at that time I stared this topic. However, at some point I had encountered a lot of situations, where people had really good and constructive opinions, but for some reason did not voice them. And I have countered people that are silent even when annoyed, even though stating the problem might ease the situation.

[Gra-ach]

[Haveunique]

It is nice when the person stops taking things as an insult or a challenge and starts actually working on the common task =) Good for you, Ira! I hope you are enjoying your lessons a lot more now.   

[Procyona]

[Gra-ach]

[Haveunique]

Staying calm and under control, use calm preferably lower voice and no sudden movements. Relaxation is the key to seeing things how they are and being able to act according to the situation. Breathe in a controlled manner if necessary.   

[Gra-ach]

The first thing is to relax the person to whom you want to explain something and then listen to him or her. And be calm and reasonable in words and actions   

[Haveunique]

Something like this

The Samurai and the Tea Master
A long time ago there lived a Tea Master. He was an elderly, small and frail man. He was known throughout the countryside where he lived for his beautiful Tea Ceremony. His work was so good that one day the Emperor heard about him and summoned him to the Palace to perform this special ceremony.

The quiet, little Tea Master received this invitation from the Emperor. He packed his belongings, placed them on his back and started on a long journey by foot to the Palace.

After many long days the little man arrived and performed the ceremony for the Emperor. The Emperor was so impressed! He presented the Tea Master with the highest honor that he was allowed. He presented him with the two Japanese swords of the Samurai.

The Tea Master accepted the swords. He bowed to the emperor, placed the swords on his back, picked up his belongings and started his journey home.

Two days later the little man was walking through a small country village when he was spotted by the Samurai that protected that area. He was a great and powerful Samurai. At first the Samurai could not believe his eyes. Where those swords? What was this little frail man doing with them?!

The Samurai confronted the little man. “How dare you make a mockery of all Samurai! I can not stand for this dishonor. "

The Samurai challenged the Tea Ceremony master to a duel to the death with swords, and said: "Meet me here today at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, and we shall fight.”

Honor would not permit the Tea Ceremony master to refuse the challenge, so he had to agree. But he was frightened, and went to his own teacher of Tea Ceremony, to ask him what to do. "I have never held a sword in my hand in my life," he said. "He will surely kill me".

The older Tea Ceremony master replied with a calm smile. "Do not worry," he said. "Go meet him at the appointed time, and do what you know how to do. Perform the Tea Ceremony."

At four o'clock, the Samurai arrived with swords. But the Tea Ceremony master arrived with charcoal, matches, a tea kettle, water, cups, and began to prepare the tea.

The Tea Master opened his tea container and the pungent smell of the green tea mingled with the fragrance of the flowers. Quietly and purposefully, the tea master scooped a small amount of green tea into a cup. With the ladle he dipped hot water from the kettle and poured it onto the tea. The Samurai watched, caught up in the quiet intensity of the tea master’s movements. Taking the whisk, the tea master applied it vigorously until the tea foamed. Then bowing with complete calmness, the tea master handed the cup to the Samurai.

The Samurai sipped the tea properly. When he finished, he said to the Tea Master: "I am defeated. You have united body and soul so perfectly, you defeated me. The only thing I can honorably do to a man like you is ask you to teach me. Will you instruct me in the ways of the tea ceremony?"

“Of course,” said the Tea Master. “Meet me at sunset tomorrow.”

Taken from here: http://sweetpersimmon1.blogspot.fi/2007/11/samurai-and-tea-master.html   

[Procyona]

Nice, I was actually thinking of the same story here In the one I have read the ending was a bit different, and the tea ceremony master was actually preparing to fight, but was preparing for it in the same sense he would when making tea. His calmness freaked out the challenger, and he surrended. But the idea is the same: It is beautiful what just relaxing can do in tough situations.   

[Haveunique]

Thinking doesn't make a difference unless it leads to actions...